Whether this kindergartner will grow up to have deep psychological issues or just a tremendous appreciation for ta-tas remains to be seen. But thanks to the tireless news team at 20/20, we can learn all about breast-feeding a kid that Mommy can barely pick up.

Anthony Bourdain gets paid a lot to put things in his mouth—he's consumed seal eyeball, ant eggs and sheep testicles for his show No Reservations—but on a recent visit to Mexico City, the chef sipped a local beverage with a unique bouquet. To say the least.

Rabid G.G. followers will need no set up for this fine example of raw, pouty Chuck Bass intensity, but for the rest of the great unwashed, here's the deal: Chuck's been on a drug vacation in Thailand since the death of his father, and is now going through reentry into the confusing teenage world of high school, where they don't even allow cigarettes. Kids these days...

Josephine Santos, PacificCoastNews.com

While it may seem difficult to believe, sultry, BFF-seeking celebrity Paris Hilton has limited her sexual encounters to "a couple of people," she revealed to Glamour magazine. "I think it's important to play hard to get," offered Hilton. "Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive."

The star's personal philosophy has been backed up by no less an authority than the American Handbag Lovers Association, a group devoted to fetishizing women's purses. "We're glad that Ms. Hilton has acknowledged our unique point of view by comparing her vagina to an expensive handbag," stated AHLA spokesman Highland Churm.

"Our members appreciate the sensual beauty of making love to a fine Hermès Birkin, or the exquisite sensation of fondling a slouchy Chloe Paddington, even just sniffing the leathery musk of a Fendi Spy as your body becomes rigid with anticipation," said Churm.

"Hilton obviously knows her precious vagina is on that level. It's an expensive, classy vagina that—like a fine handbag—may take years to get, and not some stretched out old canvas Mossimo anyone with a Target card can buy."

We've encountered Eagle Man on these pages before, but his last appearance pales in comparison with the sheer mondo surrealism of this offering. Though we detest using the ultimate cliché, on acid, this thing merits it. Exactly what it is on acid, we're not sure. But it's bad acid. Thank self-confessed Soupaholic Melissa for what you see. 

David Klein/Getty Images

After a lengthy history of some 30 years, the credibility of Penthouse magazine's Forum column—stipulating that a penis must range from 8 to 12 inches in length to satisfy a woman—is coming into question, thanks to a statement from actor Verne Troyner's Playboy model girlfriend.

Despite sexy Genevieve Gallen's revelation that "Verne's body is proportional all over, so he was smaller than I expected," the 2-foot-8-inch actor's size didn't cause a problem. "We could have sex up to 10 times in a single day," gushed the stunner. "We'd do it for 45 minutes and he would just keep on going as I had orgasm after orgasm."

The far-reaching ramifications of her statements have yet to be fully realized.

"This is truly incredible," stated Penthouse rep Serge Dunwiddy to Soup Blog reporters. "Our long held belief that a woman can only reach orgasm after an intense session with a man's massive, helmeted bohemian love dart, or a fellow's immense, pulsating intruder has been shaken to the core. Apparently a seemingly insatiable vixen can be satisfied by a fantastically swollen rod that's less than, well, monstrous."

Added a concerned Dunwiddy: "Accuracy has always been our foundation. We're going to have to rethink our editorial stance on this issue."

So, a group of people sat down and came up with this ad idea. They filmed it, recorded the theme song, edited it and sat back and watched it. They looked at each other and decided yes, this looks very good and expresses exactly what we want to get across. Let's put it on television. Thanks to Soup fiend Liza for this.

Christmas has come and gone, but thanks to the magic of video, we can relive the warmth and happiness literally days into the future. Which brings us to Henrietta and Myrna and their scintillating take on Go Tell It on the Mountain. We may be going out on a limb here, but never has less enthusiasm been mustered in the name of Jesus. 

You'll be seeing red as this overbearing stage mom on I Know My Kid's a Star lectures the sweet issue of her loins on belting out "Son of a Preacher Man." Put a cork in it, lady. Oh yeah, there is also a mention of a tampon, but we don't want to spoil the heavy flow of McHale one-liners, so watch the clip, and tune in at 10 p.m. PT/ET.

There's always a certain straightforward creative genius to local commercials. And after seeing this no-nonsense bit of advertising from some lawyer named J. Michael Gallagher, well, who wouldn't want to get divorced? Thanks to Soup amigo Tom for this.

E! Network

From ROB:
WHY DOES JOEL ALWAYS WEAR A TIE? IT WOULD BE COOL TO SEE HIM IN MORE CASUAL DRESS....MAYBE AN OPEN SHIRT?? NO SHIRT....HE IS WAY MORE HANDSOME AND SEXY THAN RYAN EVER COULD BE!!!! HE NEEDS TO SHOW MORE SKIN!!!!!!!!!!! FROM A FAN WHO IS A DUDE....
HI ROB!!!! YOU’RE NOT THE FIRST DUDE WHO WANTS TO SEE MR. SEXY—WE MEAN JOEL—WEARING AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE!!! NOTHING WRONG WITH A DUDE APPRECIATING ANOTHER DUDE’S SMOKIN’ BOD!!!!! JUST REMEMBER, UNDER THOSE CLOTHES, HE’S TOTALLY NAKED!!! GO AHEAD, CLOSE YOUR EYES. GET INTO IT...YOU THROUGH? WE’VE GOT OTHER LETTERS TO GET TO...OK, GOOD. THANKS

From jkernen:
My girlfriend and I would love to hang with Joel in Reno, tell him to meet us at the fruity frozen drinks tomorrow. WOOO!!
He looked for you, and waited for, like, 25 minutes. WTF?!

From mdwitecki:
When is Joel McHale going to take his shirt off for the audience?
NOT SOON ENOUGH!!! RIGHT ROB???!!!

Keep Reading

Hillbilly folklore tells us that lonely farmers love having sex with animals, but not only is that sick and insulting, it's simply not true, as this ad makes so abundantly clear. Sometimes they favor crops.